Burnt Out

It’s close to midnight. I’ve busied myself since morning. Getting the ingredients, and with the help of my sis, baked cup cakes for yiHang’s birthday party tomorrow. After a late lunch, rushed to Novena to pray for the family. Then to my in-laws for dinner, where they looked after the boys leaving me some time to mark 38 compositions scripts!  (I am only have way done!)

Reached home about ten. Finally, settled the boys into bed. The maid asked for my help to transfer photographs from her hand phone to a memory card. That was when I realised that she had invited her friends to our home in our absence to take photographs. I’ve made myself very clear that she is not allowed to bring her friends home and explained the rationale behind it. Just yesterday, yiHang told me that they played water in the bathroom for almost an hour. Upon further probing, I found out that, the maid was on the phone, yakking away, while allowing the boys to occupy themselves in the bathtub. She has been with us for close to three years and we all treated her like part of the family. She’s sincere and hardworking. But we can’t deny that she is after all very young and her hormones are all mixed up. I was disappointed but I reckoned that she is by far the best we can get.

Managing this household has proven too much for me time and again. I have to ensure that household chores are done, that hubby’s clothes are pressed. I have to ensure that I write out the menu for the week, otherwise, the kids would not have a balance meal, feeding on the most convenient stuff from the kitchen. Though I yearned to laze in bed, I dragged my feet to the market every Sunday to buy fresh fish and vegetables for the family. I’ve to take stock of the food in the fridge to prevent wastage. I have to monitor the boys so that they spent their time meaningfully, striking a balance between play and learning. I have to coach them academically while instilling values to them. I have to create opportunities to help father and sons to bond. Watering the plants. Flash cards with Xiang. Math and English with Hang. Cleaning. Cooking. Picking up after everyone! Making sure that the food is served hot when hubby comes back from work. Budgeting. Monitoring expenditure. Worried about money. Tending to everyone’s needs. The responsibility of managing the whole household lies on my shoulders. Everyone waits for me for instruction. For decisions. For execution.

All these.

While holding on to a full time job and brining in a share of the dough!

I no longer knew what I am fighting for.

I know not if the person I trust will betray me.

If, the person I love will hurt me again.

If, my kids will grow up fine.

If, I have anymore energy left to do all that I was tasked to do.

I am exhausted.

I am weary.

But I’ve to carry on.

Because once you are 

A wife

A mother

You can’t QUIT!

Ten Fingers, Ten Toes

One night, snuggled up warmly next to each other, we talked about our little one, with anticipation, with hope and with love.

Then silence.

“We must be prepared that our baby may not be normal,” says she.

“I have the exact thought,” says he.

From the time we knew that a little life was developing in my womb, we fear that our precious little one will be less than perfect in any way.

As my delivery draws nearer, I am overwhelmed.

And thus, my daily prayers of the Rosary Novena in petition for a healthy baby.

Effort.

Preserverance.

Commitment.

For the our little one.

 

Home baked Cup Cakes

Yvonne has inspired me to bake my children’s birthday cakes.

Hubby supported me with a cynical smirk while the boy asked, “What if on my birthday party and there is still no cake?” That did shake my confidence a little.

Hrmph, so this morning, I went to buy some mini cup cakes and scouted around for sweets and chocolates for experimenting purposes.

And Da Dem !!!!

 

Okie, My idea is to have a chiffon cake (with a hole in the middle) as the center piece. I will coat the chiffon with icing and colourful cereal flakes. Fill the middle with sweets and chocolates and decorate the top with colouful flags carrying wordings and candles. The mini cup cakes will be placed all around the chiffon cake.  

Let’s see how it will turn out.

:)

Green Fingers

Fell in love with these table gardens and wanted to create one myself.

My sis’s gift from Vietnam gave me the motivation.

 

The problem is with watering the plants. I didn’t want it to be a messy affair with wet granules and soil all over the tables. Also, if the plants wither, my hours of effort arranging the gardens will go down the drain. *sob*

So, I came up with this idea of imbedding holders (for the potted plants to sit in)into the stones. I just need to remove the potted plants, water them and put them back into the holders. And if they do die, I can easily replace them with new ones – with the garden staying intact.

 Viola!

 

When I start to develop a liking for the greens, I hate to admit, but I knew I am entering another phase in life!

So here’s my bathroom filled with greens as well. Feels like bathing in an open spa in the Rain Forest!

SHIOK!

Parenting Crisis too.

While I read Ginny’s ‘parenting crisis’ with great empathy, I had my bout of heartache, frustration and disappointment this evening.

Thought I’ve ensured that I allocate time everyday to bond with the boys, Hang has been truly trying. It is not just the usual mischief that troubled me. Rather an array of negative attitudes that has unknowingly crept into him and slowly manifested through his behaviour.

Yesterday, he came home with two toy eggs from Easter celebration in school. He proudly announced that everyone had only one egg but he was fortunate to pick another from the floor. To me, that was dishonesty. I tried to explain that someone might have lost it. He turned a deaf ear to what I had to say.

In the evening, when Xiang ask for one of the eggs, Hang refused to share. We tried reasoning with him, citing examples of how Xiang always shares with him and never fails to get a sweeet/biscuits for him when he was offered some. Reluctantly, he threw the egg at Xiang. Minutes later, Xiang was in tears as he lost the egg. We were all frantically searching for it. Later, we found out that Hang had kept it in his pocket.

This evening, I got really upset when he refused to share all his toys with Xiang. Even with me mediating, Hang pushes his brother away, completely refusing him a chance for fair play. I got really mad, whacked him and sent him to his room.

We had a chat when I cooled down. To my greatest disappointment, he acted up again immediately after that, tripping his brother on purpose, destroying his brother’s origami boat just for fun and swapping his torn origami with his brother’s when the little one was not looking. And before bedtime, he kicked the maid and his brother.

Where was the gentle, sensitive, loving boy that I thought I raised?

I’ve showered him with love, care and attention.

I’ve put him above everything.

I’ve given all that I can.  

Where did I go wrong?

How much more tears I need to shed?

How should I move on from here?

CXO

  My hubby promoted me.

I am now the CXO of our home.

NB : ‘X’ is a variable.

Replace with

‘E’ and its CEO

The highest ranking officer in the Loh enterprise, tasked with anything and everything under the sun, ensuring smooth daily operation.

‘F’ and its CFO (Chief Financial Officer)

Guarding the purse string.

Our motto: Anything Cheap is Good, Anything Free is Best!

‘M’ and its CMO (Chief Marketing Officer)

Rushing from the wet market to NTUC every weekend.

 ‘N’ and its CNO (Chief Networking Officer)

a.k.a Kaypoh amongst relatives, neighbours and friends.

 ‘I’ and its CIO (Chief Information Officer)

Conveying messages between the hubby, maid, kids, in-laws, etc

 ‘L’ and its CLO (Chief Learning Officer)

Developing curriculum and delivering lessons to the two bunz and not forgetting the maid and occasionally the hubby!

  ‘A’ and its CAO (Chief Administrative Officer)

Endless filing, time tabling, planning to do!

(And he wondered why I was not too happy with my designation)

HypnoBirthing

TH and I completed our HypnoBirthing classes this evening. Apart from being very informative and fun, we were impressed by Ginny’s professionalism and enjoyed the company of our course mates (not to mention, the food – Ginny makes super delicious egg and tuna sandwiches!!)

What is HypnoBirthing?

 

HypnoBirthing: The Mongan Method: A natural approach to a safe, easier, more comfortable birthing
NLB Call Number : English 618.45 MON [HEA]

This is the recommended text for our course. Personally, I could not connect to the author. Ginny did a great job by adapting some of her strategies. i.e Instead of visualizing some ribbon and flower thingy, Ginny told us to use the birth videos she screen in class. Anyway, the book is available from our local libraries.

So why HypnoBirthing?

This is going to be my third birth (and definitely the last). Hubby’s presence during my previous births provided the emotional support but a labouring mom needs much more than that. Labour should not be just about ‘getting the baby out’. Rather, it should be an experience for both husband and wife – a journey of love, support and commitment that binds.

I was completely ill informed when I birth Hang. I was induced at 40 weeks! Nurses walked in and out and shoved their fingers into me for Vaginal Examinations. I had epidural because I was not equipped with the knowledge and tools to cope with the pain. Hang and I spent a good 7 hours apart. All through the night, I missed my baby so much and yearned to hold him in my arms. I did not know that I could room in with my baby.

Similarly, many things did not go our way when I birth Xiang. Fortunately, I had a show just before my due date thus no need for an induction. However, very soon after I entered the labour ward, my gynae ruptured my water bag without prior discussion with us. No qualms about that as we were ignorant and thought that that was a routine!

Suddenly, I was put on Oxygen. No one told us why. It was not until after Xiang was born that we realised something went wrong because my gynae casually commented that the nurses were ‘kanchoeng’ when baby’s heart rate dropped. However, seeing how healthy Xiang was and how well he was doing, we put everything behind us.

It was only after today’s HypnoBirthing session, we understood the risks of induction. We could have waited up to 42 weeks before the decision for induction. I was shocked to realised (or recalled) that my gynae induced me without my knowledge. He did a ‘sweeping of the membrane’.

We were not informed of the risks of artificial rupture of the membrane (he just walked in and break my water bag!!!). We finally understood why I could not cope with the very intense labour pain right after the application of Prostagaldin gel. Counted myself lucky that I did not end up with a C-section for my first birth.

As for the second birth, breaking the water bag causes fetal distress (baby’s heart beat dropped) which explained why I was put on oxygen.

When I found out that I was pregnant with our third child, I was determined to learn about my rights and make informed choices about my birth options. Of course, I am aiming for an all natural drug free birth as well.

This is another text that Ginny recommended. I’m not sure but believe that it’s a meta analysis. Based on the reviews on Amazon its should be a good read. Will pick it up from the library.  

 

The Thinking Woman’s Guide to a Better Birth

NLB Call Number : English 618.4 GOE [HEA]

My Birthday Wish

 

The candles lighted.

The birthday song sung.

The camera clicked.

Everyone was high in spirits.

Then the birthday boy closed his eyes and made a wish.

He opened his eyes, excitedly placed the knife on the cake and chirped,

 I wish that Mommy will not scold me everyday!!!

 

*Note: DO NOT, I REAPEAT DO NOT

ask him what his birthday wish is during his coming birthday bash.

(Anyway, I told him that Birthday wish is SECRET)